Always and Forever (Always #2) Read online

  "Your tattoo is beautiful," I whisper, and he looks up and grins at me.

  "Why, thank you. Is white wine okay?”

  I nod and he continues dishing up. "Luke. Why are you here?"

  He sighs and drops his head. "I just need a friend. Just let me do this, okay?"

  It's then I notice his ring is gone. "Where's your ring?" I involuntarily point to his hand.

  "I must have left it at home. How are you?" He pours the white wine. I watch the liquid in awe; I haven't had a drink in so long.

  "I'm okay, I guess. I've had a lot of work on my plate for distraction. New York is definitely different to LA." I laugh nervously and walk to the drawer next to Luke, pulling it open slowly. Removing two knives and forks, I can feel his gaze on me. He's so close. I haven't had him this close to me in so long. Placing the cutlery on the side, I turn to him. "Why are you here, Luke?" I ask again. My voice is low and full of emotion. "Why are you doing this to me?"

  His eyes match mine, confused and worried. His thumb strokes down my cheek and along my lower lip. I shut my eyes at his touch. "I needed to see you, how you were doing. I have been worried about you, Els. He really beat you up, and I've been a royal jerk and not even called you." His voice is strained.

  Nodding, I back off and pick the cutlery up. "Let's talk over dinner, huh? I want to hear all about your new fiancée. She must be beautiful to have you in her life." I pull out a dining chair and sit. He puts the cheeseburger, complete with fries, in front of me. "Jeez, Luke, you're going to kill me."

  He puts his plate down, but moves his setting closer to me. I watch with nervous eyes, terrified of his next move. I forgot this feeling. He wanders over to the kitchen and returns with our wine. He gets comfortable and holds his glass up.

  "To reintroductions." I hold up my glass and we clink. I take a long drink and my body relaxes. He picks up his cheeseburger and takes a huge bite. I watch in fascination. He catches me looking, smiles, and wipes his mouth on a napkin.

  "So, Ella," he starts, swallowing the last of his food. "How is New York for you? I thought you would settle in well. The hours are longer than LA, I know, but you seem to be doing well."

  I smile. "Yeah, they're definitely longer. But the work is good. I do miss home though."

  He frowns. "What? You miss Charlotte?" He takes another bite of his burger.

  "Of course I do. It's my home. I don't miss the drama, don't get me wrong. But saying that, I guess LA was slightly more dramatic." I take a fry and hold it for a second, thinking before taking a bite.

  "Hey," Luke whispers, and scoots closer to me. "You have nothing to worry about. I'm sorry I left it like I did. I'm sorry I'm here. I shouldn't be, really. I'm a fuck up for not calling and asking how you are. Don't you think I haven't been checking up though. Especially at work." He raises his eyebrow and gives me a half smile.

  Dreamy.

  I sit up properly. "Checking up on me, huh? Naughty."

  He laughs lightly. "You're a different girl to who you were five years ago. So different."

  "Good? Or bad?" I ask, slightly intimidated by his choice of words. Why would he say that? I don't want to know I'm different.

  He takes a sip of wine. "Good."

  We end up discussing old times and how we've ended up in this situation.

  We speak about Nathan and how it's affected me. It hasn't really, just made me more aware of whom I allow into my life.

  Then he asks me.

  He asks me that damn question.

  "So, are you dating anyone?" His fingers are playing with his Rolex watch.

  Do I lie?

  Do I tell him I'm with Ryan?

  Jeez, if there is a God, please tell me what to do!

  Fuck it. "Yes. His name's Ryan. We've only been on a few dates though."

  "Slept with him?"

  Wow. Blunt and to the point, hey.

  I scoff. "I honestly don't think that's any of your business."

  His hand screws up slightly and he flexes it as if to shake out some tension. "Maybe not," he says calmly, and we finish our food in silence.

  I drink the rest of my wine and stand up to clear the plates. His fingers wrap around my wrist and he looks up at me. I can see sadness in his green eyes.

  I sit back down, pulling on his wrist and he puts his arms around me. He needs to be held. I need to be held. I start to pull away and he palms my cheek and gently wipes the unbidden fallen tear from my eye. “I’m so sorry, Ellie. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for all the wrongs I should have made right. I’m sorry I gave up on you.”

  The emotion is strong now and I let myself cry. I haven’t cried like this, for someone, for a long time. I mourned and cried myself to sleep when he left me, but I grew out of it. Out of him. I fall back into his arms and cry into his shirt. I start to stand again and he pulls me back. His mouth connects with mine and I’m weakened. I can’t pull away. He lifts me, his tongue caressing mine, dancing their old, familiar rhythm. He places me on the table, his fingers twisted in my hair. I’m so close to him. I’m kissing him. This man is supposed to be mine. Supposed to be. I push at his shoulders.

  Our lips part aggressively. “No, Luke. We can’t.”

  “The hell we can’t.” His lips caress mine again, and I promise myself this is the last time. I kiss him back, harder, stronger, desperate.

  I pull away. “I’m sorry, Luke. We can’t. Do you realize you’re cheating on your girl right now?”

  Something changes inside him. He pushes himself off me and leaves the room. I hear the front door open and slam.

  He’s gone; he’s left me again. Except I know this time it’s forever.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  "So, he came here, like, right here to our flat?" Daisy asks as she curls her legs up underneath her.

  We're sitting on the couch with two tubs of ice cream and a bottle of Pinot for comfort. "Yes, he was here. I told you we used to be together. He left me just after we'd had our prom."

  "What a jerk." Daisy sighs and takes a huge scoop of ice cream. "So, why did you break up?"

  I shut my eyes at the memory and re-open them, tears tightly locked away. "I was moving to LA, and he was going to New Jersey to study. He decided it'd be better for us to be apart rather than together."

  She takes a sip of wine and nods. “Makes sense.”

  “Yeah, it does now. It didn’t five years ago when he was leaving me.” I lick my spoon clean and dive in for some more.

  “I still don’t get why he was here.”

  I sigh, take a large gulp of wine, and stare her straight in the eyes. “Luke James was the love of my life. Is the love of my life. Except my love is getting married. He’s marrying a girl I have never met. I feel like that Adele song.”

  Daisy interrupts me. “Someone Like You.”

  “Exactly. Anyway, he came here last night and brought me dinner. I think he just felt guilty for not checking up on me. We had some wine and then it kind of… escalated.”

  Daisy lifts her eyebrows. “You didn’t have sex, did you?”

  I laugh. “No! Of course not. He kissed me. And then he left me, again.”

  “Why do you think he left?” She pulls the throw from the back of the sofa around her shoulders.

  “He’s engaged, Daisy. He doesn’t want me. We both ended this on such bad terms before. I don’t blame him for not trying to find me. I’ve given up on everything regarding Luke James.”

  “But he kissed you, Ella. That means he’s definitely not over you either. You guys need to talk. You have to sort this out. Is he going to his parents’ for the holidays? Maybe you could join him on his journey home.” She shrugs and switches the TV over to some baking show.

  “Yeah, that’ll work. Me, Luke, and his new fiancée on a happy, joyous trip to North Carolina. You’re such a bright spark, Daisy.”

  She throws a pillow at me, and we just enjoy each other’s company. No more talk of Luke and the “what
if”.

  ****

  My phone starts to buzz as I get ready for work, and I’m shocked to see my Mom on the called ID. I answer the call and fall into a voice I miss everyday. I’m so happy she’s called me.

  “So you’re definitely coming home for Christmas, baby?” My mom’s voice is so comforting, it’s actually pretty overwhelming. When you haven’t spoken to someone you love for such a long time, it leaves a void in your heart.

  “Yeah, Ma. I really need home right now.” I sigh down the handset. I’m getting dressed and trying to get a boot on whilst on the phone is proving difficult.

  “We’re all so excited, Bear. We miss you.” I smile, and we end our conversation. God, I cant wait to go home.

  ****

  My ride to work is short. Since my parents gave me money to do up my Mustang, I don’t have to worry about it at all now. I stopped at Starbucks, got a latte, downed it, and bought another. Coffee seems to be my drug right now.

  I settle down into my seat at my desk and my phone rings. I pick it up.

  “Ella Stone, level two.”

  “It’s me.” Luke’s voice is angelic and so welcoming. I shudder and hold my breath.

  “Hi,” I whisper.

  “Hey, Ella. I bumped into one of your colleagues today. Who was it? I can’t remember. It’s like a flower…?”

  I laugh. “Daisy.”

  “Yeah, that’s her. She told me you’re going to Charlotte for the holidays.”

  I groan. “Yeah, I am. What did she say exactly?”

  “That you and I should travel together.” He says it so matter of fact, it’s actually pretty enticing.

  “You’re engaged. And if I have to remind you of that, something is seriously wrong with you.”

  He sighs softly, as if resigned. “I know. I know, okay? Last night I kissed this girl who I used to love so furiously, so ferociously, and she kissed me back. She reminded me of what I wanted. Ella, what have I done? I can’t do this to Leona. I just… I can’t.”

  I whisper, “Leona.”

  “Yes.”

  I sigh and close my eyes. He’s in love with her, and seeing me has confused him. He’s going to hurt me again. I know this. I feel it. I cannot be that girl to him, that girl who pulls apart a perfectly good relationship because of one stupid kiss. One stupid, pointless kiss.

  “What did you have in mind? I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

  “Ella. I understand, okay? I get it. Just come home with me for the holidays. Leona isn’t coming back to Charlotte with me. She’s staying here with her family. Come on, it could be amazing. Me, you, the open road. Just friends. What do you think?” He sounds upbeat, anxious for my yes.

  “No funny business and I suppose we can. I won’t be that girl, Luke. Okay? You get that?”

  He coughs. “Your word is my bond, Ellie. Promise.”

  “Then we have a deal.” I smile, not because of the betrayal I can’t ever let happen, but because I get to see my family and my best friend.

  ****

  I punch the bag as hard as I can, relishing in the pain twisting around my nerves from my wrist to my shoulder. I slam my knee into the bag and let my anger, my hurt, out completely. I know where I’m heading. I’m heading for that life I tried so hard to escape from. I’m heading toward that dark light, that place where happiness is never seen, only sadness and its entities. Luke James will always be the love of my life. He will always be that one man, that man every woman has, who she can never truly let go of. The man who made her feel like she was invincible against every bad thing in this world. The man who saved her more than she could ever save herself.

  I wipe my brow with a towel and find my bottle of water. I pick up my cell and dial someone I haven’t spoken to for such a long time.

  “Answering for Jade Michaels. How can I help?” The voice is female and squeaky. Irritating.

  “Hi,” I stutter. “Is Jade around?”

  Squeaky voice laughs. “Depends who’s asking, honey.”

  “Tell her it’s Ella. Please.”

  "Sorry, but I don't have instructions for an 'Ella' to be important. Sorry, honey."

  How fucking dare she? "Listen, lady, I've known Jade since kindergarten. And if you don't put her on the phone right now I can easily get her to fire you."

  I hear rustling and then an all too familiar voice drowns out my anger.

  "Hey, Ella. I'm so sorry about that." Jade sounds genuine.

  "Sorry if I caught you whilst you're working, I just needed to talk to you, or even better, see you."

  “Hey, no worries. I’m shooting right now though. I might have to talk to you later.”

  I sigh into the handset and shake away the tears. “Yeah. Just call me when you get a chance.”

  She hangs up. I fall to the floor. I’m shattered. Not as in tired, as in emotionally shattered. My feelings are shattered across my mind like glass, and each piece needs picking up before I drown myself in pain. I pull my knees up to my chest and hug them. My mind is contemplating all these different scenarios. It’s two weeks until Luke and I need to travel home. Why did I agree to this? I was clearly born with the stupid gene. It’s the promise of seeing him again, I know it is. It’s the promise of being able to sit side by side with him, hear his voice. It’s the promise of getting to know him again. Getting to know who he has become. I try suppressing my feelings, but if you knew what I already did regarding Luke, I already felt this pain; this pain should’ve been extinguished years ago.

  College was the worst time of my life. It was a time I was severely heartbroken, lost to the life I needed to lead. I drank. I took cocaine. I slept with anyone who would have me. I destroyed everything Luke ever helped me build.

  Now I’m back in that frame of mind. That mind that wants me to slice into my flesh just to release some sort of pain. Some sort of emotion I don’t want to feel. I can’t feel like this anymore.

  I pull out my cell and dial Luke’s number. I listen to the dialing tone for what feels like twenty minutes but he doesn’t answer. I try again, but my call is interrupted by a text.

  It’s Luke.

  * What? *

  That’s all it says. I throw my phone against the wall opposite me. I’m still in the gym in my apartment building. Why did I throw my phone? I pull myself off the floor and walk over to the long mirror in front of me. I can see the shell of who I am. My hair is tied back into a ponytail, my legs in tight yoga pants. Only a tank top covers the top half of my body. I run my fingers across my stomach and let them glide across the toned skin. I run to the other side of the gym; I’m the only person here right now. I lock the door from the inside then run back to the punching bag and hit it. I fight it. I fight it as if my life depends on it. I feel my knuckles split but I don’t care. I feel my wrist beginning to ache but I don’t care. All I care about right now is falling into a deep black hole and rotting away. Rotting away with the dirt I am. I’m fucking dirt. Scum of the earth. My body starts to shake and I scream at the bag as if it were real. Sweat sticks to my skin and my heart beats so fast I think it might stop.

  Arms. Arms circle my waist and I try to punch them away, but it’s like this whole thing is in slow motion. My body gives in. I give in. The strength of this human is hard, crushing. I’m being pulled into a body and then I’m on the floor. I’m sobbing, wailing. I let the arms hold me until I distract myself from this horrifying feeling I have.

  “Shh, you’re okay. Everything’s okay.” His fingers push back my hair and he’s rocking me like you would a baby.

  “Luke?” I whisper through my tears, and hold onto his arms even tighter.

  “I’m here. I’m here,” he says into my hair, and kisses the top of my head. I let him hold me.

  We sit like this until my body has calmed down after an attack of anxiety I haven’t had in so long. I close my eyes and welcome the darkness; my strength has been taken by the attack. I open my eyes and glance down at my knuckles and the arms holding
me. My hands are bleeding but it’s the arms that distract me. One has a tattoo painted along it. I knew this already but close up it looks so beautiful. I lightly put my finger to his arm and run it across the ink, delighting in this memory.

  “Hi,” Luke says softly into my ear, and his hot breath causes my body to surrender to goose bumps.

  “Hey.” I pull away gently. “I’m sorry.” I stumble to my feet.

  “Wait.” Luke stands. “Why are you sorry?”

  I wipe my eyes. “I’m just so sorry. You don’t deserve any of this. Wait. Why are you here?”

  Luke smirks. “I own this building, Ella. When you called me I was in a meeting. When you didn’t reply I got worried. I figured you were here. I tried your apartment first but I had no luck. So I came down here to check it out and there you were. I was looking at you through the glass. I knew something was wrong. I could feel something was wrong.”

  I wrap my arms around my body which is suddenly ice cold. “I’m… I’m fine. I just – I needed a minute.”

  He takes one step toward me and I take one back. I stare at him; his eyes entrap and swallow mine like they’re his, his claim. His green has always connected with my blue in such a way it causes electricity to spark between us. I break the contact and look at an imaginary molecule on the floor.

  “Ella.” His voice is raspy, deep. “You need help.”

  I look up at him in pure shock. What the fuck is he talking about?

  “You have no right to tell me I need help.”

  “I’m worried about you, that’s all.”

  “Worry about me all you want. I’m fine. I needed to express my feelings, and after years of self harming, this seemed to be the most decent way.” I pull my hand to me, it now suffering with pain.